It’s a universal truth that past adolescence, Halloween is a time for shameless inebriation and bad behavior. Gone are the days of pumpkin carving and trick-or-treating, black cats, candied apples and costumes that are actually scary. No, the coming weekend’s EDM culture activities leading up to Halloween night will undoubtedly involve copious amounts of alcohol (among other vices) and many scantily clad women, each claiming to be a “sexy [insert noun].” For real though, I’ve met one too many sexy pumpkins in my day. Sorry, but vegetables should never and will never be sexy.
Put statistically, according The Journal Of Scientific Fact, the amount of alcohol consumed is inversely proportional to the amount of flesh covered. Consumption increases by 20%, and coverage decreases to 20%. There is a definite connection between drinking and slutty outfits, so if both are on your agenda for this Halloween, why not choose a costume that maximizes both? Here are four costume ideas that can help your night of drunken debauchery reach new levels. BTW, if you’re still looking for something to do, check this out.
Characterized as young women of the Prohibition Era known to champion sexual liberation and despite what was then considered proper behavior, I am all in favor of the flapper. Now, I’m aware that this idea is popular and therefore a bit cliché, so pulling it off requires good taste. This means no gaudy plastic pearl necklaces and no neon-colored boas. I recommend sheer black thigh-highs (for the sex appeal) and loose layers of see-through satin on top. The key here is leaving a little bit to the imagination by hinting at bare skin, instead of prancing around with your nipples popping out. Fur is also highly encouraged. Also, since flappers spent their days drinking away in illegal speakeasies, having a strong alcoholic beverage in hand is crucial to the authenticity of the costume. Tell that to the bouncer when he says “no outside drinks.”
This is a classic costume, and one that’s linked to drinking a lot of rum. Why rum? Because ships sailing around the Caribbean Seas had easy access to rum made from sugarcane growing in that region. (End history lesson here.) While “sailor” brings to mind a brash and burly man chugging barrels of rum, the female version is generally more put-together. For this costume, it’s acceptable to wear very little. In fact, you have my blessing. Let me explain: sailor costumes tend to be white, and the color white suggests purity. Just take my word for it, and keep it simple with as short a skirt as possible. Accessorize with a rum and coke.
3. Greek Goddess
Another chance to party in barely-there clothing. You know those marble statues of Greek gods and goddesses? The women are always casually draped in a sheet covering their private area. However, they often remain topless. This tells me the Greeks were sexually secure and comfortable with their bodies. Channel this attitude in an outfit consisting of, once again, loose layers, pleats, and leather sandals. Then, in the spirit of Dionysus, the god of wine and drunken revelry, grab a bronze wine jug and lose yourself to the celestial experience of intoxication!
4. Paula Abdul
She claims she has “never been drunk in [her] life.” (Such lies.) If you want to dress up as famous drunk, Paula Abdul is a personal favorite. Admittedly, I’ve struggled with an ‘80s obsession all my life, but it’s a known fact that Paula’s performance in the “Straight Up” music video is incredibly hot, and the woman looks good as ever at 50 years old. To do this one right, go for a young-Paula look, with orange-red lipstick and strong eyebrows. Hair can be straight or curly, as long as the volume is exaggerated. She also has a beauty mark on left side of her face that can be penciled, but be careful not to draw a Marilyn Monroe dot. Most importantly, be ready to do the dancefloor justice, and blatantly deny being drunk while slurring like a true alcoholic. The more you drink, the more believable your costume will be.
Although my sexy-costumes-that-encourage-drinking-more suggestions conclude here, this is certainly not an all-inclusive list. Feel free to ignore my previously expressed opinions. You really want to dress up as a “sexy pumpkin”? Knock yourself out (just don’t run into me). Get creative. “Alcohol infused pumpkin” is a great excuse to get sloppy. And to be fair, there was a time in my life when I attended Hard Haunted Mansion as a sexy gummy bear. Regardless of what persona you choose to put on this Halloween, keep your drink filled, spirits high, and body dancing all night long.