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[RE]Examining The Beatport Chart #3

Ok folks, we’re entering week #3 and I’m looking for both more death threats and job offers.


Bingo Players “L'Amour” (Original Mix) Hysteria

I was ready to unleash on this shit, then I pictured myself in the “celebration hall” in the basement of the Lutheran Church next to my house where they play the game, do the dance, whatever… BINGO every Wednesday night at 7pm. In my mind I was sitting on a plastic chair with a card and markers on a card table in front of me and… I got it. L’Amour (love), for the game, by the guys who do it right, rampant and on FIRE. Magnetic rank #1 | Beatport rank #5 


David Jones “Heya” (Original Mix) Azuli Records

Yes, that is a reed pipe that opening here that so warms and buoys up our souls, filling to a brimming luster even the most pitted of hearts. Behind it are the lungs of GledrÅ! ’Tis reputed that David Jones traveled to over 25 Renaissance Fairs in the Midwest in order to find a virtuoso of such awesome magnitude, a proper MASTER of not only the reed pipe, but the Pan Flute (firlinfeu) and the recorder. It is rumored that GledrÅ of the Silver Wings defeated pan flute juggernaut Zampfir in a fantasy woodwind mountain-top play-off. STAT SHOT: It was to the achingly beautiful strains of the reed flute that Mahatma Gandhi consummated his marriage to Kasturba at age 13. Music from the noble instrument continued to be a passion in his life, second only to his love of world peace, until the day he ascended, passed… or whatever they do over there. Magnetic rank #2 | Beatport rank #10 


David Guetta, Sia, Nicky Romero, Jack Back “Wild One Two” (Original Mix) Big Beat Records

OK. This ripped to Beatport’s #1 slot. Despite being an older gentleman from a little-loved country in Europe, (44 and French) Guetta’s American train shows no sign of slowing in the race to replace certain faded icons in the halls of Trance/Progressive/GlowStickHappyHandWaveish/Techno House… or whatever in the wide, wide wacky world of electronic genres we are agreeing to call it this year. As far as the track goes? Straightforward and merry, 1,2,3,4 glee. How gleeful? If you combined: this cut on repeat + no means of escape +Richard Simmons + Mesopotamian orgy pit + biological weapon you would get as a sum (=) SIMLES. That gleeful. Magnetic rank #3 | Beatport rank #1 


Qulinez “Troll” (Original Mix) Size Records

Holding steady at BP’s eight this week. Dirty secrets anyone? Takes me back to the olden days of Oakenfold’s first Tranceport. Just take special care not to allow any of the local hardcore Detroit- or Berlin-techno heads (who are also somehow your friends) stumble in on your whilst you’ve got this going. Better to be caught going to work on a snapshot of Oprah wearing a bikini whilst she’s standing near a book—no, not actually reading, as that single picture would spawn an entire generation of illiteracy. Magnetic rank #4 | Beatport rank #8 


Claptone “Cream” (Original Mix) Exploited

Falling a notch this week on BP we have this pairing of piano and stringed instruments. Not seen every single day in the context of house, but like chocolate and peanut butter they go great together—you’ve got to work hard to fuck them up. And out of Deutschland, Shir Khan—the man behind the curtain here—keeps it simple-jazzy and unassuming. Not heavy, but hefty and swung with a light touch. Good in moments when you’ve escaped for a bit—or somehow convinced everyone that there really is fire on the roof. Magnetic rank #5 | Beatport rank #6 


Axwell, Ivan Gough, Feenixpawl "In My Mind" feat. Georgi Kay (Axwell Mix) Axtone Records

I heard this last week when I was in Abercrombie and Finch where the guy whose penny loafers I’d sworn a blood oath to spray paint had chosen to hide. There are a lot of folks credited on this floater, so I’m not sure whom to blame. So I found the guy with the loafers and made him pay. Again. This time it was his braided leather belt™ (with genuine leather, embossed moose detail™, vintage metal buckle and classic fit) which suffered traumatic alteration; but, I paid him the $12 or whatever for a new one, my therapy is satisfied for the week and we’re good. Happy times. Magnetic rank #6 | Beatport rank #3 


Nicky Romero “Generation 303” (Original Mix) Musical Freedom

Yea, so? This may be the music Darth Vader puts on when he does his Tuesday night crank calls, but we’ve got Chemical Brothers bastardization going inside. I flipped a coin to decide whether I’d walk away impressed or offended and it landed on an edge, vertical, and exploded. Nuff’ said. Magnetic rank #7 | Beatport rank #3 


David Jones “E Samba” (Club Mix) Spinnin Records

Ole’ DJ has two cuts in the BP this week and that makes me a little fearful that some palms are getting greased, and so far mine ain’t one of ‘em. So I’ll have my buxom Swedish secretary, INGA make inquiries and p-ut it off. Don’t want to anger anyone important, don’t you know. Excuse: In honor of the late, great, real Davy Jones’ passing this week I’ll leave this Bollywood bark-up chilling in the waiting room for a minute. Although that “Spinnin” dropped the “g” is testing me. T e s t I n g. Magnetic rank #8 | Beatport rank #9 

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The Doors, Skrillex, Zedd “Breakn' A Sweat” (Zedd Remix) Big Beat Records/OWSLA

This just in: Although everybody “knew” it, the Magnetic-funded genetic/DNA analysis conducted at Stanford University has concluded that Skrillex is indeed a late-cultured clone of ex-teenage heartthrob CoreyFeldman. Taking Jim Morrison lyrics and setting them against aerobicize beats AND dropping the “g” in your title? Fuck it. You’re winning. And these days, if you’ve got Skrillex somehow involved, even if he’s just farting into the KORG... straight to the top. Magnetic rank #9 | Beatport rank #7


Carlo Astuti, Matthew LeFace “If You Would” (Original Mix) Four Peas Recordings

An introspective jam for when the crowd has cleared out and it’s just you, a broom and a paper crown. I love you Burger King.


But on a real tip...


This is a picture of my friend Nikki Ackerman. Nikki used to be a pantyhose model until she was involved in a fucked-up accident where a dump truck loaded with chicken Mcnuggets ran into a genetics lab and things changed for Nikki. She quit adding the word “Legs” between her first and last name.

I don’t know what happened with Matthew “LeFace” (The Face) who co-produced this week’s #10; but I imagine someone, preferably a friend, should… talk to him. I, myself, have a buddy who produces a little show called Intervention who might give him some screen time  in an upcoming episode. Remember “Le” means “The” in the language of France. Remember, allowing nicknames to include aspects of yourself which can C HANGE is dangerous, and Irony can only stretch so far before it becomes harmful. Physically harmful.


Blitzberg’s “Who Funded This Crap?” of the week:

Wampas will be Wampas as Luke Skywalker discovers in this scene celebrated by the nerd and non-nerd alike:

But are you aware of the dangerous insanity transpiring the next ice cave over?*

*The public’s the ability to arbitrarily modify any word—“violin” in this case—with the red-hot prefix “dubstep” needs to be restricted before someone really dangerous, like Lindsey Stirling, gets ahold of it and corrupts the entire machine. Wait. Too late? If you don’t have a subterranean bunker built behind your house, then get it done. This video signifies the full, flatulent collapse of The American Dream. We’re going down.

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