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[RE]Examining The Beatport Chart #4


Big changes in the Beatport world this week. Read on. Seriously though. What Beatport offers the listener is a menu of soft-serve tracks which can act as a gateway to neophytes. A gateway to… H E L L. It's not the genre's best foot. It’s not a foot, at all really. If I were to choose a body part on which to hang a metaphor it most definitely would not be the foot. BP is the electronic equivalent to adult easy listening: elevator/dentist office muzik. On a literary tip—Oprah’s book list. It was founded by the same investment group who own Teen Beat Magazine What I, Dr. von Blitzberg Bisonheart von Megakrieger Nine, am attempting to do here is to have some fun while shaming the newcomers and the longer-standing fans who have hit a "taste wall" into moving on to some more sophisticated choices. My motives are not entirely selfless, I admit. For despite their folly these ten tracks are certainly popular and, hence, I find them squatting on my airwaves everyday.

Sander Van Doorn “Chasin'” (Original Mix) Doorn Records (Spinnin’)

Whoever said handclaps were over with are proved wrong here. Period. And even though he’s dropped the “g” off “Chasin’” and is contributing to ebonics-based illiteracy, he’s got a “von” in his name, According to the von Brotherhood Bond, which I wrote, I can say nothing negative here.Magnetic rank #1| Beatport rank #5 


Bingo Players "L'Amour" (Original Mix) Hysteria

I was ready to unleash on this shit, then I pictured myself in the “celebration hall” in the basement of the Lutheran Church next to my house where they play the game, do the dance, whatever… BINGO every Wednesday night at 7 pm. In my mind I was sitting on a plastic chair with a card and markers on a card table in front of me and… I got it. L’Amour (love), for the game, by the guys who do it right, rampant and on FIRE. Magnetic rank #2 | Beatport rank #5 


Claptone “Cream (Original Mix)” (Exploited)

Falling a notch this week on BP we have this pairing of piano and stringed instruments. Not seen every single day in the context of house, but like chocolate and peanut butter they go great together—you’ve got to work hard to fuck them up. And out of Deutschland, Shir Khan—the man behind the curtain here—keeps it simple-jazzy and unassuming. Not heavy, but hefty and swung with a light touch. Good in moments when you’ve escaped for a bit—or somehow convinced everyone that there really is fire on the roof. Magnetic rank #3 | Beatport rank #6 


TJR “Funky Vodka" (Original Mix) Rising Music

Funky: (ˈfʌŋkɪ) adjective, funk·y

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So. According to Webster’s Dictionary TJR’s vodka here is one of the following: Funky: 1. having an earthy, blues-based quality or character. Or 2. having an offensive smell; evil-smelling; foul. All I can say is that the vocal is not a sample of James Brown, and if it were, the old boy would rise out of his grave and hunt some TJR ass. I could tell you what Webster’s defines as jazz, but simply trust me that this ain’t it. So, by elimination I’ll have to go with #2 Magnetic rank #4 | Beatport rank #1 

Jack Beat featuring David Guetta, Nicky Romero & Sia “Wild One Two" (Original Mix) Big Beat Records

OK. This ripped to Beatport’s #1 slot. Despite being an older gentleman from a little-loved country in Europe, (44 and French) Guetta’s American train shows no sign of slowing in the race to replace certain faded icons in the halls of Trance/Progressive/GlowStickHappyHandWaveish/Techno House… or whatever in the wide, wide wacky world of electronic genres we are agreeing to call it this year. As far as the track goes? Straightforward and merry, 1, 2, 3, 4 glee. How gleeful? If you combined: this cut on repeat + no means of escape + Richard Simmons + Mesopotamian orgy pit + biological weapon you would get as a sum (=) SMILES. That gleeful. Magnetic rank #5| Beatport rank #1 


Arty, Matisse & Sadko “Trio" (Original Mix)” Axtone Records
One of only two songs this week that Beatport is pricing out for download at $2.49 as opposed to $1.99. Why? I have INGA my lovely Nordic queen and secretary investigating—mayhaps next week I’ll have the answer; but I do know that the price producers are paying for simulated (fake) crowd noise (cheering) has skyrocketed along with the price of oil. You figure that one out.Magnetic rank #6 | Beatport rank #2 !!!THOUGHT COLLISION!!! 


Axwell, Ivan Gough, Feenixpawl “In My Mind" feat. Georgi Kay (Axwell Mix) (Axtone Records)

I heard this last week when I was in Abercrombie and Finch where the guy whose penny loafers I’d sworn a blood oath to spray paint had chosen to hide. There are a lot of folks credited on this floater, so I’m not sure whom to blame. So I found the guy with the loafers and made him pay. Again. This time it was his braided leather belt™ (with genuine leather, embossed moose detail™, vintage metal buckle and classic fit) which suffered traumatic alteration; but, I paid him the $12 or whatever for a new one, my therapy is satisfied for the week and we’re good. Happy times. Magnetic rank #7 | Beatport rank #3 


David Guetta, Sia, Nicky Romero, Jack Back, Nicky Romero “Generation 303" (Original Mix) (Musical Freedom)

Yea, so? This may be the music Darth Vader puts on when he does his Tuesday night crank calls, but we’ve got Chemical Brothers bastardization going inside. I flipped a coin to decide whether I’d walk away impressed or offended and it landed on an edge, vertical, and exploded. Nuff’ said. Magnetic rank #8 | Beatport rank #3 


Nari & Milani, Maurizio Gubellini “Up" (Original Mix)” Cr2 Records
Any cut which has as its sole vocal the command “Put your hands up!” is cool with me. Yes, “Up” is another imperative gem from the master who brought us “Shake it Up.” Who else melts music with the sweet, sweet textures of Facebook and our social media world back to our hearts like Maurizio: “Face-to-Face,” “Thanks for the Add,” and his quixotic, soul-searing ode to tumbler: “Tumble?” It’s easy to simply jump on board and explore the mysteries of the universe… and of love with this romantic Italian: “Space & Obsession,” “Inside of me, "Deep Emotions,” "DJ Wanna Fuck,” "She Don’t Lie,” "Loving You,” and the timeless classic “Da Girl.” Keeping it simple was never a problem with this mono-syllabic man-from-the-heavens: “Boost”,  "Slash”, “Unbelieveable” and the coruscating jewel in his crown: “Wassup.” Where does “Up” fit into this already dominating lexicon? I cannot say, the best I can do for you, sweet reader, is to point you back to one of Mauri’s classics for what could be the answer to a great many of life’s problems: “We know we’ll make it, no need to fake it.” Fuck yeah. –Gubellini & Sala “I Believe” Magnetic rank #9 | Beatport rank #7 


Madeon ”Icarus (Extended Mix)” popcultur
SASSY! Sometimes it’s fun to take track titles at their literal/face value. As we all know vis-à-visGreek Mythology “Icarus” was the Grecian youth who, using the ancient equivalent of super glue and balsa wood, constructed a pair of wings which apparently he thought were marvelous. So? So, he thought it was a good idea to put them on and jump off a cliff, wherefore he plummeted to the ocean and death. Some of the more fanciful spectators that day hold that he got too close to the sun and the feathers on his apparatus caught fire. Either way: Ocean. Death. What’s really happening is that the metaphor-drunk Greeks are warning us against wings + fire/ego + stupidity. Ergo: The ego is rampant in youth. It stands opposite of wisdom. When putting into practical (real) application, dreams fuelled by passion and without adequate “thought” often end in embarrassing failure. Perhaps even permanent death. In “other” completely unrelated news, Madeon is 18 (and from France). However. Apparently Pete Tong likes his stuff. Magnetic rank #10 | Beatport rank #9 


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