So you have finally made the plunge and downloaded the Tinder app, “just to see what all the fuss is about”. In reality, you are hot under the collar, single as fuck, or just like to cheat… Whatever, you have entered the Tinderverse and there is no coming back once you step in. Here are some thoughts, anecdotes, suggestions and observations that might make you laugh, help you score, or prevent you from downloading the app altogether (the last of which we highly recommend).
Addiction- Plan For It
Be prepared to lose control. As soon as you begin the swiping process it’s all down hill. You can’t stop until the bag is empty…err, I mean the matches are all served up. You will swipe until you chafe and then anxiously wait until more matches fill up in the cue… Welcome to “love” in 2014.
You Are Now A Reject
You are going to click the green X on a lot of girls/guys. They are not all going to like you back even if you think you are the hottest thing since Kaskade in a speedo (OMG!) or Nervo on the beach. OK, if you are Nervo on the beach, every guy will like you. We mean EVERY guy- even gay guys. But let’s face it, girls are the reigning Queens of Tinder, they call the shots for the most part unless they look like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Yes, there are some serious ug-ohs –guys and girls- on Tinder. It’s kind of sad, but maybe all the ug-ohs are hooking up with other ug-ohs? If anything, they are great to snap a screen shot and send to your friends with messages like “This is allllll you Bruh.” Note: If you’re like me, some friends may appreciate the heads up and actually hit that- “Why you judging, dog? I was in a drought!”
When In Drought…
Don’t be thirsty. If your profile pic is a shirtless ‘self portrait’ next to a nightstand adorned with a crusty spooge-rag and a tipped over bottle of Jergen’s… well, that’s thirst. Do you even tube sock, bro? And to the fairer sex- bikini bend-over bathroom selfies are about as thirsty as the Sahara, but you are looking for guys, so fuck it… green means go!
Group Photos As An Ug-oh Cloak
Here’s a hint, don’t put a group photo as your main image unless you are in desperate need of an ug-oh cloak. Please be advised, you have a chance to get a click-in but once you are discovered as the one with ‘summ’er teeth” it’s the RED X for you. Real talk- You are just wasting people’s time and broadcasting your lack of self-confidence with this maneuver. Know who you are, be bold and own it- that will make you way more attractive.
Group Photos (Attractive)
I get it, a group hot girls is eye catching and worth a click in. But unless I get to smash you and every single one of your friends in the photo, this is false advertising- I’m pretty sure that’s illegal. And about those all male group tank top photos, this is Tinder, not Grindr. Just sayin…
Don’t Tinder On The Toilet
It's OK to twitter on the shitter (hey- it's that type of platform). But whilst on Tinder, have some self-respect and respect for those you want to disrespect in the bedroom later. Don’t swipe while you wipe, it’s low class tindering (unless you're both into that and have a clearly defined safe word).
Baby Slow It Down, You're Moving Too Fast
Sometimes you miss that inner beauty, meaning the better pictures that lay beyond the primary photo. If a person looks somewhat OK in that first picture it’s worth an extra two seconds of your life, click in and you might find hotness that you did not see at first- or at least maybe some side boob.
This is muy importante across the board for both parties. If you are a 5’6” gentleman and truly hot for a 5’11” Amazon goddess, just realize you are going to look like Tyrion Lannister next to Brienne of Tarth (Where my GOT nerds at?!). A huge height difference is going to be a struggle in and out of the bedroom, and no one likes a struggle (again, unless you’re into that. And remember- safe word).
The Fine Print
Yes, it would be nice if you filled out some kind of information about yourself (no, not your dick size bud) so we know how to open that first text with more than “Hi, What’s Up?” (read: I’m bored and horny). This does not apply to super hot women because guys are going completely on looks and we are mutants, but a little about you is a nice touch. It also might allow for a relationship that has more purpose than just the procreation of genital herpes.
So that’s round one, there is a lot more on the way as I swim deeper into this unforgiving Tinder universe. So good luck to you my fellow Tinderers see you soon, here’s to you and the big GREEN X.