So… We had a thought recently, where is Avicii? He’s been rather radio silent on social media, save for the carefully crafted and curated content posted by his management team. Now, this wouldn’t generally be cause for concern, but Tim (Avicii’s real name is Tim Bergling, guys), you really scared us in March when you had to cancel Ultra… You really should be keeping us in the loop, or else we worry buddy...
As we fretted over what further worst case scenarios could have befallen this guy who sometimes gets good feelings, we came up with 7 scientifically sound and statistically probable possibilities for what Mr. Bergling has been up to this summer. (And we chose 7 because... le7els bro...).
1. Ash Pournouri Has Locked Avicii in the Studio
Not in any way reliable, credible or sound sources are reporting that Ash Pournouri, Avicii’s manager, has actually chained him to a Ikea desk, on top of which sits only a Macbook Pro. His only sustenance is a diet of red bull, cigarettes, soft core porn and luna bars. Ash Pournouri has been heard screaming loudly at Tim, “I want Levels 2.0, bro. We want that Sony Money!”
We have it on good authority from a carebear who is embedded deep within Avicii’s circle but must remain anonymous that Avicii has actually spent the last 2 weeks in intense internal debate over a new car purchase.
He is struggling between a white or red bugatti to match his latest baseball cap purchase. Compounding the issue further, he has not even considered at all how the vehicles may clash with his current set of Sri Lankan sweatshop edition of Ralph Lauren jeans… Decisions, decisions, decisions...
It's really not a good vibe at the Avicii compound while Avicii takes his sweet ass time on a relatively easy purchase. You would think one of the most powerful people in EDM could make a quick decision... But hey, These. Things. Take. Time. "Wake Me Up" when he decides...
3. Actually Picking Up an Artistic Hobby
According to his twitter back in May it appears Tim has decided to pursue photography as his own personal creative pursuit (leave him alone on this one, Ash!) . Highly unlikely that we will see Avicii transitioning to a lucrative career behind the lens (unless he hires ghost photographers- Ash wait, maybe we need your help?), but we do support anyone expressing themselves creatively.
4. Telling His Ghost Producers for the Last F*$king Time to Take it Vun Deeper
If Tiesto is going deep, if DJ Hanzel is already headlining the Titanic, then Avicii must not be left behind, and go deeper than deep. Unconfirmed and probably never will be confirmed because it’s obvious why these facts won’t be confirmed is that Avicii has gone through ten ghost producers this summer alone for his next album which is rumored to be an innovative deep house psytrance gabba inspired masterpiece that will change the electronic dance music scene forever.
In a soon to be aired interview with BET, Avicii has said “My team of producers have been working round the clock to produce only the greatest singular work that will change the face of music forever. Literally, I am talking Nicholas Cage and John Travolta face off paradigm shift with this album- as a matter of fact they are both collaborators on the track. Even your mother will become a fan of deep house thanks to Avicii.”
Think Grease, but bigger.
5. Drinking with Teenagers in Boston
Because that was the dopest show in June ever bro… It was so sick… I mean 50 people were hospitalized turnt up, they were actually ill… But bro, bro, bro, like I’d totally go to the hospital again for Avicii. (Party responsibly humans, come on… No need to fade into darkness).
6. Missing His Appendix and Gall Bladder (too soon?)
This is the only legitimately valid reporting this list will provide to you. If you think we are serious about any of this, then we are pretty impressed that you are at least literate. Although we don’t imagine Avicii’s quality of life has been affected in any way by his recent surgery, I do bet there are moments where he looks out a rainy window, and wonders what could have been if things had gone down differently... life just isn't fair.
7. Oh Wait, He’s in Europe… Touring… Well that’s really boring Tim...
The truth hurts and the truth bores, if you check his website you'll get his tour dates obviously. So, yeah… I guess he just hates America now. We get it. I mean we don’t get it, but we don't need you. We have Martin Garrix now, and so don’t even bother coming back. Okay we didn’t mean that, we just have a lot of strong emotions right now and like we thought Mercury was in retrograde, but it wasn’t... Oh, you're coming back to Vegas for practically all of September.
Well, then this is awkward...