The Rave, aka the epicenter of EDM culture. Go with the right group of friends and it can be the experience of a lifetime. But get separated from your crew in this environment and you’ll be forced to make new ones. Be careful though! From the "I make wiccans look normal" Minotaur Man pictured above to the motley crew below, there are certain people you just don’t want to meet.
1. The Bro or the Hipster
These two share a listing because they are the essentially the same person. The Bro has his fraternity; the hipster has Urban Outfitters. Meet one of these at a rave and your options are either learning all day about 'Quicksilver, the Brand' or what it’s like to work part-time at a record store in Echo Park.
2. The Drug Dealer
There is always some guy walking in the crowd muttering "molly, molly, molly, anyone need molly," as if they are trying to find someone. They are very aggressive at times in their attempt to sell and are always looking out for security with a sketchy look. They will never be in rave clothes, but closer to undercover cops. There is a good chance you are buying baking soda, rat poison or fentayl in their caps. It would be the worst drugs you could buy. Sober is a much better option.
3. The Hip Hopper
I have no idea why these dudes even go to a rave. They are constantly catching the attention of security by tagging up the porta-potties or lighting up a blunt. Once he finally gets lifted he’ll start break dancing to dubstep and free-styling over electro-house. I’m out.
4. The Drunks
There are some people who just cant keep it together. They come into the festival thinking they are totally sober, but in reality they barely remember going to the festival. They know they were there from an obscene amount of social media posts and slurrrrrrred texts to friends who aren't there. They went a little too hard in the pre-game and will be napping by 6pm.
It’s either zero or 60 for Australians. And they usually skip that whole zero part. An Australian will stay awake all three days of a festival, have a threesome with your girlfriend and sister, then ask you to buy him beers the next day. They also like to plug all their drugs which is really, really strange.
6. The Skater
Skaters are dicks. They pull all the same shit as an Australian plus they'll set something you're wearing on fire just so they can Vine the video to their friends.
7. P.L.U.R. Girl
Nothing is worse than meeting some cool chick at a rave who lures you in by throwing out a heart sign and offering you a massage. Just when you think it’s going somewhere she disappears to hang out with her abusive boyfriend who sells acid and plays in a folk band.
8. The Blogger
The blogger will brag about how his press pass can get him anywhere. Follow him and before you know it you’ll be stuck at a side stage area where you can’t see shit. “Isn’t it great to be so up close?” he asks. I think even Minotaur Man has a better grasp of reality. They will let you know about their free water and bag of chips and mention they saw a DJ walk near them (the DJ was really 100 feet away).
9. The DJ
Ever hang with a DJ on his so-called 'night off' at a rave? You have two options- getting a stage by stage play by play on why he should be headlining or "networking" for six hours in the virtually empty Techno Tent from Ghent. No thank you.
10. The Couple
Infants should not be allowed on planes and couples should not be allowed in raves. All they do is fight and their conversations have two levels: screaming or uncomfortable silence. In the rare instance where you meet a couple that is getting along, it’s a Hercules husband and breast enhanced wife who start every sentence with “Well in our ‘lifestyle’, we like to . . .” Eek.
11. The Promoter
It’s bad enough if you meet a promoter IRL. Meet one when your leaving a rave and he’ll talk you into having your birthday party at his "club" where he says your friends will get VIP- meaning everyone in your group has to pay a $20 cover and wait in line for an hour. Tight. You and 20 other people may be able to split a bottle of free vodka only after you buy four though.