The Rave, aka the epicenter of EDM culture. Go with the right group of friends and it can be the experience of a lifetime. But get separated from your crew in this environment and you’ll be forced to make new ones. Be careful though! From the 'I make wiccans look normal' Minotaur Man pictured above to the motley crew below, there are certain people you just don’t want to meet.
1. The Bro or the Hipster
These two share a listing because they are the essentially the same person. The Bro has his fraternity; the hipster has Urban Outfitters. Meet one of these at a rave and your options are either learning all day about 'Quicksilver, the Brand' or what it’s like to work part-time at a record store in Echo Park.
2. Loner Chick
Ever asked a girl how her weekend was and get a reply like “it was great! I went to rave, by myself” No? That’s because mentally stable females don’t cruise to raves solo. Also, if a girl is alone at a rave there’s a 100% chance she’s underage and carrying a license to give you HPV.
3. The Hip Hopper
I have no idea why these dudes even go to a rave. They are constantly catching the attention of security by tagging up the porta-potties or lighting up a blunt. Once he finally gets lifted he’ll start break dancing to dubstep and free-styling over electro-house. I’m out.
Ease back, George Takei... I’m all for hanging out with Asians at a rave. It’s the 'clean cut ‘n creepy' tag-a-long white dude named Nate in the group that fucks up the vibe. Fair warning Asian ladies- homie wants to be way more than friends and he’s depositing every glimpse of you straight into his spank bank.
It’s either zero or 60 for Australians. And they usually skip that whole zero part. An Australian will stay awake all three days of a festival, have a threesome with your girlfriend and sister, then ask you to buy him beers the next day. They also like to plug all their drugs which is really, really strange.
6. The Skater
Skaters are dicks. They pull all the same shit as an Australian plus they'll set something you're wearing on fire just so they can Vine the video to their friends. And let’s face it, they have the worst taste in music- OFWGKTA? GTFOH.
7. P.L.U.R. Girl
Nothing is worse than meeting some cool chick at a rave who lures you in by throwing out a heart sign and offering you a massage. Just when you think it’s going somewhere she disappears to hang out with her abusive boyfriend who sells acid and plays in a folk band.
8. The Blogger
The blogger will brag about how his press pass can get him anywhere. Follow him and before you know it you’ll be stuck at a side stage area where you can’t see shit. “Isn’t it great to be so up close?” he asks. I think even Minotaur Man has a better grasp of reality.
9. The DJ
Ever hang with a DJ on his so-called 'night off' at a rave? You have two options- Getting a stage by stage play by play on why he should be headlining or 'networking' for six hours in the virtually empty Techno Tent from Ghent. No thank you.
10. The Couple
Infants should not be allowed on planes and couples should not be allowed in raves. All they do is fight and their conversations have two levels: screaming or uncomfortable silence. In the rare instance where you meet a couple that is getting along, it’s a Hercules husband and breast enhanced wife who start every sentence with “Well in our ‘lifestyle’, we like to . . .” Eek.
11. The Promoter
It’s bad enough if you meet a promoter IRL. Meet one when your leaving a rave and he’ll talk you into having your birthday party at his ‘club’ where he says your friends will get VIP- meaning everyone in your group has to pay a $20 cover and wait in line for an hour. Tight.