Ok so it's Wednesday and you STILL feel rough from Halloween weekend. Here are some quick ha ha's to take your mind off of it. We went old school so hopefully you remember some of these nasty treats that polluted your candy sack every 10/31'st.
Here we go, this is your hangover if it was candy.
The Pixie Pile
So you feel like a million little pieces? Hmmm, wonder why George Jung. Pixie Stix are just about the most devastated you can be as a human candy comparison. You are just sitting there in a fruity pile, looking like a broken down mix of bath salts, blow and crystal meth. You even come with a pretty white candy colored straw but that won't help your mood, at least not for 4 days or so after the revelry. Stay hydrated and get your sleep, you are going to need lots of it.
Ouch, you went big on those keg stands and beer bongs didn't you bro? Chasing them with Jager shots and Cinnamon Schnapps mixed with Red Bull was not the best move either. So you feel like this, a Necco Wafer. It's as dry as the dust in a dust bowl in a draught in the Arabian desert. This thing makes your tongue immediately feel mummified and sandy, just like you right now. The only way out of this is two jugs of Pedialyte and 24 hours of bedrest. Then you will be back with a vengeance! Yelling at televisions at shitty sports bars and eating wings.
The Good & Nasty
You think you are actually doing alright, but you really feel like black licorice inside a candy coated shell. You roll into work looking buttoned up but you are really ready to throw up at any moment. Puke on your new Tory Burch bag would not be cute and neither is this hangover. Yeah, Good & Plenty's are one of the worst candy tricks of all time next to the raisins your grandma used to give you instead of real candy.
Even the pizza guy is not getting you up, not for nothing man. You feel like sticky gross coco faux filling covered in bitter chocolate. You are literally a mound under your shitty comforter and you are not coming out for 24 hours. This is as close as you have ever come to alcohol poisoning.
Too Big A Dip
"Your hands were in the cookie jar, errr bag, too much on All Hallow's Eve my pretty!" (add witch voice). Whatever you dipped in was sure fun while it lasted, but right around 4 am you started to feel a bit funky. Then a bit funkier and not even KFC or the "Bell" could get you straight. Buckle up kid, you are in the same class as our friend Pixie Pile but you might even get it worse. Drink lots of watermelon juice, it will make you feel like it's summer and not the cold shitty part of autumn.