10 Reasons You Should Never Ride A Hoverboard
The Hoverboard or "Swagway" was a bit of a phenomenon in 2015 with riders multiplying like Marvel comic franchises. It started off with a handful of dudes cruising around being annoying and then it became a thing. Suddenly every time you were walking downtown or in some kind of urban walkway there was some tool (or tools, they tend to travel in groups) buzzing by with blinking lights synced with the sound of a rather loud remote controlled car (yes these things have little engines).
What always baffled us is how people could keep a straight face rolling around on a mini Segway that had disco lights on it. Here are ten reasons we came up with not to ride one.
This has been a public service announcement from Magnetic Magazine.
1. The spontaneous combustion thing is real. These things are known to catch on fire while in motion. Being a rolling shish-kabob is not how you want things to end. Your epitaph would read "This Fucking Idiot Blew Up On A Swagway"
2. You will never have sex with anyone who ever sees you riding one. This rule can also be applied to scooters, unicycles and doing magic.
3. Your muscles will start to atrophy. As if most people weren't in bad enough shape as it is, we rush towards another device that makes us even fucking lazier. Use your legs or get a bike if you are in that big of a hurry.
4. People will think you are part of Steve Aoki's posse.
5. You will no longer be allowed to shop at The Gap or Old Navy stores.
6. You will immediately be pegged as someone who loves hyper-commercial Trance music with female vocals and/or 3Lau's music.
7. The chances of getting chased down and beaten up by a pack of 12 year old skateboarders go up to about 98.9%
8. If you are a male, your dick will remain flaccid indefinitely
9. The chances of getting chased down and beaten up by a pack of girl scouts go up 99.95%
10. Red Foo will officially be cooler than you
This is a joke, and if you are offended you should probably get rid of your Hoverboard. You have been warned.