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If you read the dance music internet, you may have stumbled across some viral study that claimed that by the time you are 37, you are too old to go to a nightclub. It is put together by Currys PC World, a British electrical retailer, who would rather you stay in so you can buy their products. The whole idea of 37 may seem a bit dubious, but it is obviously grounded in perfect science that means you are pretty much dead and can’t go out anymore.

Don’t believe that nonsense. I am here to offer 37 FOOLPROOF solutions to make sure you can rave to the grave for all of you octogenarian 37, 38, 39, 40, 80 year olds.

1. Bring your kids to the club

2. Bring your baby sitter with your kids to the club

3. Bring your pets to the club

4. Install your own toilet in the club because you will need to go often

5. Bring a book

6. Bring a TV because that is what you wanted to do anyway

7. Bring your own modem to the club so you have a great Wi-Fi connection to watch Netflix

8. Replace the visuals with your TV show or movie

9. Bring a mix CD to give to the DJ

10. Hire bodyguards to prevent people from bumping into you at all times

11. Bring a bagman to carry your coats, bags and other items

12. Kindly ask the DJ to turn down the music

13. If your kids start crying -- ask the DJ to turn it back up again

14. Bring your in-laws to make sure they never visit again

15. Bring your in-laws to see if they are actually secretly fun

16. Bring your co-workers to show that you really do have a good time on weekends

17. Bring that one coworker who always asks how you are doing even though nothing has changed in your life for the past year and you give him the exact same “fine” every day just so he will never speak to you again. Stop it Keith.

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18. Bring your assistant because you will probably forget something

19. Bring your own couch because yours is better

20. Bring your own food

21. Bring a microwave and if possible, an oven to heat up some late night treats

22. Bring your own drinks

23. Bring plenty of water because you need to stay hydrated

24. Bring a bartender for those drinks

25. Bring a bed for a nap

26. Make sure your caretaker is available to pick you up when you want to leave

27. Bring your own coffee maker

28. Make sure to check the room for stockbrokers for any tips since you are practically about to retire

29. Find the sketchy guy near the bathroom and inquire about what drugs the kids these days are doing. 

30. Also ask him for stock tips. Drug dealers are entrepreneurs too.

31. Bring a cone of silence so you can talk to people

32. Make sure a doctor is close by because you are so old and may pull a muscle/have a heart attack

33. Have a stretching mat to limber up before hitting the dancefloor

34. Have someone fan you at all times

35. If that doesn’t work, bring a portable air conditioner

36. Have a change of clothes since you may sweat through yours or realize it was a terrible mistake to wear that shirt

37. Adopt one of the bouncers so you never have to wait in line

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